Chris Mooney | S&P Downgrades Planet Earth, Citing Unbalanced Carbon Budget, Reckless Political Debates and Role of “Deniers”
Washington, D.C.—In a move that came as a shock both in this city and throughout the planet on which it is located, Standard & Poor’s late Monday downgraded Earth from its unique HHH rating—the only one in the galaxy—to HH+.
The coveted HHH rating—meaning, “extremely habitable”—has become indefensible, the ratings agency said, due to continuing failures to balance the atmospheric carbon budget and an increasingly toxic political debate that renders better policies unlikely any time soon.
In a recent interview, S&P senior director Troy Easter gave rare insight into one critical factor behind his agency’s action--citing a group of so-called carbon budget “deniers” who have become increasingly prominent in Washington and on the world stage.
“These people are willing to hold a gun to the planet’s head,” Easter said. “Without them, no carbon balancing can happen. And they don’t even think escalating atmospheric carbon dioxide is a problem.”
For that reason, Badlands [Michelle Bachmann] said, even though she blamed Obama for the ratings change, she wasn’t actually worried about it. “Carbon is good for life,” she said, reiterating a familiar campaign slogan. “Plus, it’s my favorite color.”
S&P’s Easter responded to Badlands’ comments with uncharacteristic bluntness. “We downgraded the planet because of Looney Tunes like her,” he said. “We weren’t explicit enough in explaining our last downgrade—of the United States—so read my lips: Carbon budget deniers are to blame. That’s ‘B-L-A-M-E.’”