Trains, Greens, Gasoline: The Wild Week That Was - Investors.com

"We have to figure out how to boost the price of gasoline to the levels in Europe," said Steven Chu, now Obama's energy secretary in 2008. We're getting there. It's just shy of 10 bucks per in Britain, but there's no reason a fuel policy for small, densely populated nations can't work for Wyoming, because we're investing in all those high-speed rail links.

So you'll be able to commute from your home in Rattlesnake, Nev., to your job in North Rattlesnake, Nev., via the Joseph Robinette Biden Delaware, Lackawanna, Atchison, Topeka, Sante Fe & Canadian Pacific High-Speed Interchange Facility & Federal Stimulus Mausoleum in Wilmington.

How will we power the trains? Nukes? Oh, perish the thought. Not after those whachamacallits in Japan failed to withstand the thingummy from the whoozis. Obviously, if something can't shrug off one of the five most powerful earthquakes ever recorded, then we shouldn't have anything to do with it at all, no way, no how.

Instead, we should "invest" in "green jobs," and then you'll be able to commute to your overnight shift at the KwikkiKrap because the high-speed trains will have giant wind turbines nailed to the roof of the caboose, at least until the next of kin of boxcar-riding hobos caught in the slipstream file a class-action suit.